Just when I thought I finally had ALL my energy back and was feeling myself again.....bam...another set back.....are you serious right now.....I can't stand it....please...what the H is going on.....we are coming to the end of the year.....you said this would be way over by years end.......shit fire.....dig deep....AGAIN.....

As Dave is driving me back to "chemo" for my second round this year I look down at my veins......after just one dose I can already see the effect in my veins.....it saddens me to see what destruction my body is going through....even though on the "flip side" it's making me healthy and whole again.....being so self-conscious all my life about my health...this has taken a complete toll on me and has totally mentally drained me....I'm exhausted more than I care to admit most days.....brings tears to my eyes.....but I plug on.....dig deep....pray.....hold my head up.....take another step.....and think it could be a whole lot worse.....pull yourself together....stop feeling sorry for yourself.....deep breath.....and move forward.....you got this....

I often wonder what people "really know" about what goes on day to day with me, do they really care???  Do they just listen and set it aside not wanting to deal with it...or maybe set it aside to ignore there own issues and not open there eyes to there health?  My world......when I said "often" in the first sentence.....I meant.....EVERY TIME I empty that damn shit bag which is 8-10 times a day and at least once in the night.....so often is ALOT.....what would other people do if they had to do this....how would they handle this....it's been since June.....it will be almost a full year by the time this ends.....this has not been easy....seriously what the hell do people think.....well...that brings me to the next "segment" of my blog....the graphics of it all.....put on your seat belt and be prepared to step into my "real world" for a moment or two, or for how ever long  you can stomach it....because this IS NOT pretty!

https://youtu.be/l9PYMfqNGm0

 

Frustrated beyond belief....I have chosen to keep myself out of the "limelight" so to speak as my venomous demeanor has NOT be something anyone would desire.....seems it will never come to an end these days...and I'm just plain pissed off at the situation all the way around....

Last news on FB was the outpatient surgery for the "fistula" which turned out not to be that at all, nor was it connected to my stomach which is a GREAT thing....it was what they call a "sinus" cavity and need to be repaired with a minimum of an 8 week heal...could be 16 weeks......are you kidding me right now.......needless to say when I woke up from surgery and heard this news I came unglued.....this was not a pretty site still being drugged up from the anesthesia....and now they want to talk about the "results" of the "resection" and more chemo......back to the oncologist on Monday......awesome....NOT.....yup....more chemo....more side effects...probably hair loss....sensitivity ( have to drink only room temperture)  to all cold AND......I have to get my blood back at good readings before they do the "reversal"......seriously......what the FUCK!  This is not the story I was told when we started all this "therapy" or as they say "treatment"......2 days on the pump....third day pump comes off....10-14 days break and back on....this goes on for 6 to 8 times....then "healing" then "release" from the oncologist.....then testing for the reversal......then the reversal.....we are looking at early to late spring as far as we can figure....but.....you just never know what might change between now and then.....I won't even get into the deductible and out of pocket that starts over in January...and I was told this would be complete by the end of the year....guess that didn't work out so well.....not to mention my "job"......I am not happy.....FYI this chemo is tougher and I DO NOT want any set backs....so I'm staying pretty much at home so I do not catch anything that lands me in the hospital....slight fever...in the hospital you go......it push's your chemo back  ....I'm hanging on by a thread literally at this point with my patience......I realize on the "flip side" that my outcoming is awesome and I'm cancer free.....my oncologist stated.....we found your cure and he is excited to say when this is all done it will be totally behind me......most people don't walk away like I did and with no issues during the whole treatment......including the Ilostomy bag....it's a miracle.......now if I could just trot on down to walmart and pick up some patience everything would just fall into place a bit easier......I'm super tired of feeling like life is passing me by and I'm not participating at all.....those who know me...know I do not sit well......and this sitting business and being at home has taken it's toll......so that's the skinny......