It's been sometime since my last blog....starting the chemo therapy treatment that was recommended for "Preventive" treatment was a bit of a challenge for me....to say the least....

Week one.....slight side effects...the norm....nausea...headache...tired.....rash/sores in the mouth.....some numbness....okay...I can do this.....as that week went on...I started vomiting.....things weren't settling down much.....but after one full week.....I was "okay"......whew....a 10 day break....I can do this   

round two.....as we drive to therapy.....I could see the difference in my skin....looking at my veins......I thought....what is this doing to my body.......I'm thinking....I guess "they" know what they are doing.....or they wouldn't be putting such "chemicals" in me.....before I knew it.....I was "hooked" up again......here we go......I can do this....day one a slight more reaction with the numbness......day two.....my hands and mouth were freezing up......day three.....I was so sick to my stomach ....and my left leg was totally numb......that week I dealt with the side effects.... everyday....they didn't go away as fast.......I couldn't wait to get the pump off and let my body flush this "crap" out......ugghhhh....okay.....another 10 days break.....sick all week-end throwing up......damn it....

Before "round three"....I had to see the doctor......we discussed my systems.....he lowered my dosage of "chemicals" and gave me a different anti nausea med......okay....round three should be better.......ahhhh NOOOO.......the side effects increased so bad I couldn't function and they were happening more frequently......I also had to get a "boost" shot for my immune system...this is where it got ugly.......it effected my breathing....every time I sat down or stood up it took my breath away for about 10 breathes and the pain in my lungs and kidneys was something I had never felt before.....this went on for over 7 days......as far as I was concerned this "preventive therapy" was killing my organs....and  could cause permanent damage...they even tried removing the pump a day early.....that did not help......when I went in for the "shot" my hands were distorted and frozen in place.....this isn't right......it just isn't.....okay another 10 day break......however.....the days that followed were tough....these systems didn't go away for many days.....and I still have the breathing issue in the AM when I get up.....just doesn't seem right to me....

Time to see the "Physicians assistant" for my followup....this isn't going to be good.....with all the systems.....and alot of going back and forth.....they came up with a new plan.....but this still includes the "shot"......ahhhh no.....I'm not doing that.....this went on for three days back and forth trying to come up with a plan to get me to finish treatment......bottom line.....I'm done with treatment.......that's what I said.....the side effects are to great and far to many...most people might have one...or two.....I had way more than that and seems the more they changed things the worse it got....enough is enough.....

I have heard some "negativity" regarding me stopping treatment......I didn't "give up".....I choose to stop putting those horrible chemicals in my body for "preventive" therapy.....I know my body and my body was rejecting everything rapidly....it was telling me....I don't need this.....I am 99.9% sure I did the right thing for myself.....and I'm totally content with my decision.....don't judge what you do not know....please....as my doctor said....I respect your decision......thank you....that's all I ask.......

If you would like a full education on what chemicals they were using and all the side effects.....please read the links below......you might feel differently.......

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/oxaliplatin

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/fusilev 

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/5-fluorouracil

http://www.drugs.com/pro/neulasta.html

The plan now...I'm still in the "waiting" period from the last procedure...the healing was between 12-16 weeks....it has been 8 yet (next week with be 8) I have made a follow up with the surgeon so she knows where we are at the treatment....my immune system needs to get back to normal (blood count needs to rise) before they can do anything anyway....I was totally depleted before they administrated the "shot".....so once again...we are just hanging out...waiting to heal......to have the "reversal" surgery done......time frame....we have no idea......I feel so much better now without any treatment....I'm just chillin' and enjoying my life.......feeling thankful for everything I do have...and the people that surround me far and near.....thank you again for your continue support......I'm so ready to move on and get back to "me" and helping others as many of you have done for me this past year!!!

Just when I thought I finally had ALL my energy back and was feeling myself again.....bam...another set back.....are you serious right now.....I can't stand it....please...what the H is going on.....we are coming to the end of the year.....you said this would be way over by years end.......shit fire.....dig deep....AGAIN.....

As Dave is driving me back to "chemo" for my second round this year I look down at my veins......after just one dose I can already see the effect in my veins.....it saddens me to see what destruction my body is going through....even though on the "flip side" it's making me healthy and whole again.....being so self-conscious all my life about my health...this has taken a complete toll on me and has totally mentally drained me....I'm exhausted more than I care to admit most days.....brings tears to my eyes.....but I plug on.....dig deep....pray.....hold my head up.....take another step.....and think it could be a whole lot worse.....pull yourself together....stop feeling sorry for yourself.....deep breath.....and move forward.....you got this....

I often wonder what people "really know" about what goes on day to day with me, do they really care???  Do they just listen and set it aside not wanting to deal with it...or maybe set it aside to ignore there own issues and not open there eyes to there health?  My world......when I said "often" in the first sentence.....I meant.....EVERY TIME I empty that damn shit bag which is 8-10 times a day and at least once in the night.....so often is ALOT.....what would other people do if they had to do this....how would they handle this....it's been since June.....it will be almost a full year by the time this ends.....this has not been easy....seriously what the hell do people think.....well...that brings me to the next "segment" of my blog....the graphics of it all.....put on your seat belt and be prepared to step into my "real world" for a moment or two, or for how ever long  you can stomach it....because this IS NOT pretty!

https://youtu.be/l9PYMfqNGm0

 

Frustrated beyond belief....I have chosen to keep myself out of the "limelight" so to speak as my venomous demeanor has NOT be something anyone would desire.....seems it will never come to an end these days...and I'm just plain pissed off at the situation all the way around....

Last news on FB was the outpatient surgery for the "fistula" which turned out not to be that at all, nor was it connected to my stomach which is a GREAT thing....it was what they call a "sinus" cavity and need to be repaired with a minimum of an 8 week heal...could be 16 weeks......are you kidding me right now.......needless to say when I woke up from surgery and heard this news I came unglued.....this was not a pretty site still being drugged up from the anesthesia....and now they want to talk about the "results" of the "resection" and more chemo......back to the oncologist on Monday......awesome....NOT.....yup....more chemo....more side effects...probably hair loss....sensitivity ( have to drink only room temperture)  to all cold AND......I have to get my blood back at good readings before they do the "reversal"......seriously......what the FUCK!  This is not the story I was told when we started all this "therapy" or as they say "treatment"......2 days on the pump....third day pump comes off....10-14 days break and back on....this goes on for 6 to 8 times....then "healing" then "release" from the oncologist.....then testing for the reversal......then the reversal.....we are looking at early to late spring as far as we can figure....but.....you just never know what might change between now and then.....I won't even get into the deductible and out of pocket that starts over in January...and I was told this would be complete by the end of the year....guess that didn't work out so well.....not to mention my "job"......I am not happy.....FYI this chemo is tougher and I DO NOT want any set backs....so I'm staying pretty much at home so I do not catch anything that lands me in the hospital....slight fever...in the hospital you go......it push's your chemo back  ....I'm hanging on by a thread literally at this point with my patience......I realize on the "flip side" that my outcoming is awesome and I'm cancer free.....my oncologist stated.....we found your cure and he is excited to say when this is all done it will be totally behind me......most people don't walk away like I did and with no issues during the whole treatment......including the Ilostomy bag....it's a miracle.......now if I could just trot on down to walmart and pick up some patience everything would just fall into place a bit easier......I'm super tired of feeling like life is passing me by and I'm not participating at all.....those who know me...know I do not sit well......and this sitting business and being at home has taken it's toll......so that's the skinny......

Okay.....so I have been waiting for a "return" call from my surgeon on the date of the BIG reversal.....yesterday I finally got the "call"......my expectations were "4 weeks" and I would have the "reversal".......this IS NOT the case.....and I was  totally taken by surprise and emotionally it drained me yesterday.....once again....I needed to wrap my head around this for varies reason's......the deal is this......in "mid" September they do the CT scan with some sort of dye that will "glow" if there is a leakage with the resection......if this happens we wait again (I do not know for how long) and test again....if nothing "glows" we can schedule the reversal.....this could be as late as mid October....I am NOT happy.....and don't care to talk about it....I will be focusing on other things at the house for now (remember my challenges with the "shit bag" and my blood pressure which will keep me mostly house bound).....I have some personal goals ......and will continue to workout and and build my muscles.....so when the reversal is complete in mid fall......I WILL come back with a "BANG"!!!!!

First a few funny stories I meant to add while my stay in the hospital (keep in mind I DO NOT remember any of this).....this will be one of my "Blah's"

"Did you see that.......she came right in my room and spit in my colostomy bag......who the hell would do that".......Nope that "penis" cake just isn't big enough......seriously Kathy you and George just need to get married.......Dave NEVER comes here to visit....he is always taking care of those damn cats and when he does come here he only eats my food and "sits"....he is a sitter ya know....Arla....I don't think they will let you take that big cup over the border.....you need to leave that here.....OMG......drugs....what they do to your head.......okay...now for the update of yesterdays procedure.

Luck was on my side from the gate.......when I walked in seems everyone remembered me and knew all about my history.......I think they are going to start charging me rent....LOL.....I have gained 3 pounds and they are just thrilled......I was in and out in 30 minutes......woke up fast asked for water and said can I go home now.....the nurse looked at me and said seriously.....we thought you would be here at least an hour...you never wake up.....I said well....I'm awake and hunger and want to go home....she said.....I will get your pain meds....I said for what I'm in no pain......she said really.....I said yup....can I get dressed....she said I will call Dave......he was there in 10 minutes and I was out of there.....woooohooo....okay now the news for the reversal......I have to wait 4 weeks.....cake....i can do that.....I called today and they are trying to schedule the first week in September.....this is only a 3 days stay in the hospital to ensure your bowels are functioning properly and is just like a "topical" surgery where the colostomy bag is, no digging around in my stomach and removing organs and shoving back in....thank goodness......also....since the drain tube was removed yesterday....I'm like a new women....NO pain at all....No Tylenol at all......now only my Blood pressure meds and an anti diarrhea pill  to try to slow down the process of my food (not sure it's really helping a whole lot). I feel 95% myself......soooo I'm super excited for the reversal and to be able to get back to "me"....as it's been over 2 years and I have forgotten how good I can feel......I am cancer free and will continue with CT scans and blood test to make sure nothing has reoccurred for whatever the time frame is they say......the count down will begin when I get an official date of the reversal..I'm sure I will be posting the count down on FB so you might want to "unfollow" me......lol......I am one happy lady and super duper excited for the challenging journey to come to an end and to move on with my life.......

FYI....I started this blog when I first was able to sit up in bed.....it was apparent very quickly that I had KNOW idea of what I was talking about....thus the "edit" in the little I did write at that time.....now for the chain of events as I have been told by others......being in the hospital for 18 days kicked my ass and I only remember very little of it......  

Dave and I both were "anxious" for surgery day to get this show on the road......so on the 17th of June we were off to Arrowhead....and it beings....

We needed to arrive two hours early so I "assumed" this was going to be a longgg drawn out process....we spent over an hour in a half in the"prep" room waiting for the surgery room to be available....you can see my excitement below...

Naturally my port refuse to "give blood" so they had to insert that damn IV....no happy.....feeling locked up now and attached to a pole.....naturally......"I gotta pee"....like a little kid....geeezzz

Time seemed to drag as they were running behind schedule.....then..here comes what seemed like a heard of people....."are you ready".....rolling me off down the hall......digging deep.....I was out in minutes....

The next thing I faintly remember was waking up in recovery and feeling like I was going to throw up......there was a nurse by my side that kept an alcohol pad under my nose which stops you from puking.....(good to know).....I remember her the most as she came every day I was in the hospital that she worked and checked on me.....I was soon off to my room which I shared with another lady but only briefly........as I was soon removed to my own room because I was screaming in pain  they were limiting on how much pain meds I could have because my blood pressure was low......

This is where the "real fun" begins.......soon I was faced with such a bigger challenge than I could every imagine......and I didn't even know it.......

By the next day they had me on some blood pressure meds and they were able to control my pain....I was up and walking with a walker the next day and the two days that followed......by Friday evening things started to go "astray" quickly......I had family and friends visiting....dressed in there "flower" attire and all of a sudden my kidneys quit working........the next thing I knew I was heading down for surgery to have a "pic line" put in for dialysis......I do not remember much of this at all.....alot of yelling and confusion/panic.....and before I knew it someone was screaming...."get her off dialysis....her kidneys started working......when I woke up......it was over and the pic line was gone.....whewie.......what the "H" I thought......okay......onward.....or so I thought....

The next few days were a blurr......I wasn't up to par and was declining daily.......then I came down with a fever that kept increasing and I had alot of pressure in my chest....I quit eating and quit walking.....back down for a CT scan......OMG

I was full of infection........emergency surgery........bottom line.....I was septic and they had to go back in and put drain tubes in....while they were doing that they decided to open me up again....good thing they did.....4 liters of fluid......they did a total flush of my system......I ended up with a pulmonary issue with my lungs...... I wasn't breathing on my own due to low blood pressure and the anesthetic.....they ended up putting me on a vent and a feeding tube for three days to keep my in an induced coma until things were under control.......when I woke up.......I found myself tied to the bed rails....they said I was combative......they only thing I could see from my bed was these big huge letters......ICU.....I was thinking how the hell did I get here.....are they changing my room again......I was totally confused......soon the tubes where removed and I had to sit in a chair for 30 minutes before they would let me go to another new room......I was not happy nor was my body....I felt like I had been through a war.....at this point I had KNOW idea what had happened....and I couldn't comprehend anything for may days there after........I was totally sedated due to all the trauma....... 

ICU

 The next few days that followed I cannot recall......the next thing I remember is getting a shower by a nurse and walking again with my walker and thinking.....wow why is this so hard now....it wasn't hard the first two days......and why do I still have a catheter in???  I started asking questions but could hardly remember anything or understand.......apparently I wasn't "peeing" on my own....this went on for three weeks......as I improved.....I finally was released........again....I do not remember this........the first week home I was in and out......and remember being in sever pain and feeling like a train hit me.....I started asking alot of questions again to find out that I had been in the hospital for 18 days.....I thought it had only been 7........I was very lost and shaken by the whole thing......my family shared stories of things that went on and things I said....people visited that I do not recall.....I had more flowers in my room then any other patient per the nurses......I couldn't tell you anymore than that because I had very little memory of the whole thing.......even the first two weeks home......and reality was starting to set in......

Getting home was an adjustment for both of us.....I don't think either one of us had any idea what we were in for as far as my care would go....it was 24 hours a day.....poor Dave......I couldn't get out of bed alone for two weeks......it was like having a baby in the house......adjust my pillows.....emptying both "waste" bags.....food....ice....pills......heating pad.....phone calls......bathing.....it goes on and on.....I have no doubt that there is not another man in the world that could have or even would have taken such good care of me and NEVER complained one time......

The first night I was home I manage to get up in the night without him and fell hard in the bathroom....two days later I was in the emergency room again in severe pain.....they did a CT scan and found I was fine and sent me home with more pain meds......a week later....Dave called the ambulance and I was back at Arrowhead in pain.....after all that we figure out once they took the catheter out the pain went away.......something to do with the air and pressure of the bag.....with all the stomach pain and sore lungs I just wasn't winning......it was weeks of in home nurses coming in....physical therapy and doctor visits for the past 6 weeks.......I have had two drain tubes removed with one to go and two tubes with stitches removed with one to go........gearing up for outpatient surgery on August 5th to remove the last drain tube and stitch and explore the healing of the resection to give my surgeon a better idea of when we might have the reversal done...... 

Below are a couple of random pictures of being at home after surgery.....they may be hard to view.....life was not fun........my memory is a blurr of these pictures... 

Just thoughts......I was very concerned about my weight again, however I believe I have now put on a few pounds......my blood pressure was an issue last week......but now under control.......I have cabin fever bad......but still rest often.....I can do a number of things around the house as long as I rest in between.....I seriously need to work on building my muscle when all this is behind me.....I look forward to the day I can walk without pain and know that I'm not hauling vester around anymore.....I am cancer free......the doctor took out the mass and 16  lymph nodes all were cancer free...radiation did it's job......thank goodness.....this has been a life altering experience....I couldn't of done any of this without a few dedicated people that were there faithfully......Dave....Heather....Tina.....and the people that visited me....along with the others that sat with me when I was home....you all mean so much to me and I so appreciate your support.....it's been a very long road and by the time it ends it will almost be a full year of dealing with this.....and I'm super excited to be done with it....especially getting rid of this fucking shit bag.....and yes I said that out loud.....I will not be going back to work until the reversal is done.....probably September/October....I'm very fortunate that I have two attorneys who support me fully and are holding my position.....they say everything happens for a reason...for the life of me I can't imagine why I had to go through this.....for some reason I needed to get stronger.....sometimes that scares me to think about what might come next.....I'm looking forward to heading to Rocky Point in the fall with good friends and the holidays coming up.....I will be doing "Warm for the Holidays" again and I'm thrilled to get things in order for that.....however this year I will be calling on a few friends to help get things set the day of the party......on that note....NEVER take anything for granted....and always say I love you and stop to smell the roses.......nothing in this world really matters other than "people".......we all make this world in some fashion.......I cherish everyone of my family and friends more than ever.......I was one scared little girl for awhile there.....and had some challenges mentally staying strong....a bit of a break down here and there.....but I manage to bounce back......and it was because of "people".......family and friends encouraging me, helping me....just being there......I am truly blessed........

 

 

.

It's been sometime since I have blogged.....I will admit to being somewhat "selfish" with my time at home and with my family.....I haven't felt this good in many many months and I took full advantage of it during my "break" while waiting for surgery!

Not much has really changed in the past few weeks......my weight is the same....I can finish any task I start, eat what I want.....go out and about.....work......not really any restrictions......other than the horrible sunburn I manage to get in Mexico I haven't had any issues.....I stopped taking the Naproxen last Wednesday as it's a blood thinner and it was a "requirement" for surgery.....that did cause I bit of pressure back in the bunghole....but I just stayed off my feet more to manage that pain....per-registration was yesterday.... today I start the "cleanse" process..... once again along with the liquid diet through today, and NO water or food tomorrow AM and off we will go at 10:30 to the surgical center at Arrowhead for the BIG bunghole surgery we all have been waiting for!  

 I do want to share "information" regarding the type of cancer I have/had as many have questions and seem a bit confused.......the "jist" of it is this..... I have what they call rectal cancer.....colorectal cancer, colon cancer and rectal cancer are treated different as you will read below......naturally I have to have the one that is more difficult to handle....ugghhh.....what is not mentioned in the below information is the "resection" once the tumor is removed, they have to "resection" that area where the cut was made......

Also, people are asking so...do you still have cancer right now?  Well....the way the doctor explained it to me was like this.....radiation will "shrink" the tumor and "kill it" is what "we" assume.....we do not do any further testing after radiation.....we just send you to surgery to remove the "dead" tumor.......so is that considered "cancer free" at this point......yes and no......for me in my head....yes...it's dead and will be removed......in the medical world.....no......I will not be fully "cleared" until I all my test come clean for a certain amount of months......I am very anxious to get VESTER removed as I feel totally unhealthy hauling around this horrible dead tissue that has caused me sooooo many issues and has taken a part of my life.......however....I am a bit nervous....who wouldn't be I guess.....

FYI

What is the difference between colorectal cancer, colon cancer and rectal cancer?The colon and rectum combine to form the large intestine. The small bowel processes and absorbs nutrients, the large bowel absorbs water and minerals from the feces or stool and stores feces. The first 4-5 feet of the large bowel is within the abdominal cavity and is called the colon. The rectum is the final 6-12 inches of the large intestine as surrounded by the tissues of the pelvis: the spine in the back and the urinary system, prostate or vagina and uterus in the front. Although cancers of the colon and rectum are identical with regards to risk factors and biology, the treatments are distinctly different. Colon cancers are technically easier to remove and tumor recurrence in the abdomen near the site of the original cancer is unusual. Patients with colon cancer rarely require a permanent colostomy as part of their treatment.  

Patients with rectal cancers, on the other hand, frequently do require a temporary or permanent colostomy. Furthermore, because the tumor can recur in the pelvis, many patients require radiation therapy as part of their treatment. Operations for rectal cancers are more difficult technically than operations for abdominal colon cancers (see "sphincter-preservation in patients with rectal cancer").

Some personal "shares"......periodically I go back through my blog and remind myself how far I have come.....it amazes me what I went through...as it seems like such a blur most of the time....or a "gray" dream....someone told me that's the "brain's" way of protecting itself when "traumas" happen in your life......it was the same way when my son Sam passed away.....there are things I do not remember.....as during my cancer treatments.....it's very fuzzy......one really doesn't know there own strength.....

I often wonder how many people I have "reached" in getting there own bunghole checked and to share with others.....I hope ALOT and I hope it continues......it's funny how fast I went right back into my old world when I was feeling well and didn't even realize I was doing so.....I had so many times wondered if I would ever be "normal" again.....and couldn't really imagine I would be.....it seemed so far away and I had manage this issue for so long I forgot what it was like.....but....when I went right back to that world....I had no idea.....funny how life works.....

Having cancer has changed who I am and who I want to become.....it has had such an impact on my life and my family.......even during this whole time....life kept going on around me......good things...bad things...upsetting things...happy things....hard times.....fun times....sad times....day after day it just kept rolling out......it just amazes me....sometimes I thought.....seriously....can you just let me "catch up" from yesterday!  Whewwie!

I have all these "crazy" things going on in my head all the time.....for example...this AM before I opened my eyes, but was awake I laid in the guest bedroom thinking.....I didn't sleep well again....."Grey" whined  last night....he just doesn't like to be alone and the other kitty's won't let him sleep with us......my sunburn is still itchy and peeling....my stomach is upset....I can have coffee.....liquid's only today....I need to get the billing final for work.....it was so nice of Larene and JJ to stop by yesterday with a get well package.....I need to pack my bags for the hospital...I need to do laundry......I wonder what Heather wanted last night when I missed her call.....I haven't heard from Andrew.....it's probably already hot outside.....I have to pee....I need to get up.....but I'm tired....of not sleeping well......you can do this......one more day.....and another part of this journey is just beginning....for you and that damn fucking shit bag!  Yup.....that's a portion of what went through my head before I even opened my eyes this AM.....are you tired....you should be.....

Please....feel free to come see me on Friday or Saturday of this week (check on facebook to make sure I wasn't released first)....remember the "dress code"....flower item in your clothing (visible) and something "flowery" on your head!  Make my day....make me smile....bring your camera....help me do this......I couldn't of done this without  ALL of you!  Thank you again and again for your support!

Well last week was filled with good news from the "surgeon" ..... as most of you were aware I had to "revisit" the surgeon to have a "physical" rectal exam on the 19th of May...this was the "tell all" of what is to come with the "ostomy" bag... permanent or temporary....truth be told....I had ALOT of anxiety in the weeks to come for this visit.....at the first visit the surgeon told me NOT to google it.....well.....of coarse that's exactly what I did....shit fire.....I shouldn't of "educated" myself quit yet....damn it.....why am I so "defiant" when it was for my own peace of mind....ANYWAY....

the exam went well....well given the fact it went something very similar to this......Doctor.....okay.....I need to do the rectal exam today to find the location of the tumor.....Me....okay......the Doctor is now "gloving up"  (OMG).....Me...so do you want me to get in the gown?   Doctor....no......Me....okay....what would you like me to do?  Doctor...oh good you have a skirt on...just "hike" it up and pull your underwear down and bend over the table.....seriously.......mortified......totally.....thank GOD this is a female doctor......lets just say...this WAS NOT a pleasant experience as I had no idea what a "FULL rectal exam would entail...now for the good news once her "fist" ( not really but felt that way) was out of my "rectum"......the ostomy bag will be temporary....for about 3  months...then you will come back in and have a "reversal".....YAY!!!!  Yup....I about "peed" myself......so surgery is scheduled on June 17th.....as long as everything gets verified and approved by the insurance.....as I'm finding out.....this is another FULL time job for me......the bottom line.....the surgery will remove the tumor and do a "resection" of the rectum and the ostomy bag will allow it to heal without interruption....then the reversal....probably in September to get the "plumbing" all hooked up and back to normal (as normal as it can be after part of the rectum removed)

Just a "basic" update....my quality of health has improved a TON.....I have been able to go out and about socially and do some shopping on my own......my work schedule has continued and "B" was able to spend the night last week....he was thrilled.....I am not in any pain.....and now do not feel the fatigue of the radiation......they say it takes 6 weeks to "rid" the chemotherapy and radiation.....I'm in week 4 now....so it's better each week.....I am excited and nervous to get the "surgery's" out of the way.....it will seem like forever to recover......3 weeks no driving and resting at home.....poor Dave....this is when I will be calling in my friends to visit please......I will be VERY limited on movement during this time.....this will be very challenging for me......they might to keep me on volume....LOL...

If you follow me on facebook...you probably already know over Memorial Day week-end I was hacked.....and had to open another account......after many conversations with different people I took a serious look at being a "facebooker" and have choose to make some changes......please continue to follow me on my blog with updates with surgery....I have been working on another blog for ebay...pinterest...and house projects.....I will be sharing....alot of stuff will be posted there.....my facebook will not have alot of information when it comes to fun stuff anymore.....save my blog address's as I won't post them public much either.....I like sharing my house projects and idea's.....and all my pictures.....it's just going to be more in my control and facebook will not be it.....

That's about it for the past two weeks, nothing really exciting.....just back to more of a normal life for Dave and I......I will probably post once the surgery date get's closer......see you soon!  :-) 

Whewie what a crazy couple of weeks...

Early Sunday AM Dave and I did our photo shoot with Heather......this was alot of fun and she took some awesome pictures for us so I can get busy framing them...

As you all well know after my "fifth" week of radiation I ended up in the hospital that Sunday evening.....that was an adventure....Holy Hell...

One I do not care to "embark" on anytime again....the long and short of it.....the radiation/chemotherapy finally caught up with my system and my body reacted which caused the hospitalization for fear of infection and some bleeding they needed to stop....naturally once again...my body reacted to all the meds they were trying to give me for various reasons.....apparently I had been heading to Mexico over the border for hours...(I do not recall any of this) and I had a visitor that I do not recall....I told her......one moment please...I will be right with you....I'm going to Mexico.....OMG...horrible....embarrassing to say the least. 

But I want to thank Arla and Shawn for the beautiful flowers

and the special gift to give me some Mexico treat.....

 

 Before being released I was informed they would no longer finish radiation or chemotherpy......and  being released three days later I had a rough few day's recovering....all's my body wanted to do was get rid of all the toxins that had been put into it.....I'm glad that's over.....I did not make it to work the week of my birthday.....I just rested and missed another trip to Mexico.....SAD PANDA I was.....

The week-end was filled with yard work and cleaning the house....I felt more myself and accomplished so much....even went to the first pool party of the season on Saturday

Sunday was Mother's day and it was wonderful to get with the kids and have breakfast at the Deer Valley airport.....beautiful flowers from the kids and a gift card.....YAY

This past week has been pretty uneventful.....just letting the treatment run it's coarse in flushing my system and working......preparing for another doctor's visit next week for a "physical exam"....yes it's that time for that lovely "rectal exam" to prepare for surgery.....which will be here before you know it....I'm glad as I want this "dead" tumor removed and get these two surgery's over with so I can fully get my life back completely and "flutter" around like a butterfly as Dave says....

Summary of my life with vester.....I still have some discomfort and I never know from one minute to the next how I will feel.....some skin irritation.....dry skin.....and continued pressure in the area of the tumor, which is the most annoying thing for me...other than that.....I'm good....each day seems to change.....someone asked me how much better do I feel now.....and I said....well....in the beginning it felt like a I had a "basketball" up my ass....then it went to the size of someone's "fist"......then to a "golf ball"......now...it feels like a "pencil".....she laughed...radiation shrunk the tumor and killed it....now I need the cleansing of that to run it's coarse....it's kinda like a "withdrawl" effect from radiation and chemotherpy......I know that sounds odd...but that's what it is....

My blogging probably will be slow until surgery...which will be between July 1-15th.....back to  facebooking all my many projects I manage to have going at one time......ha.....AND sharing all my finds from the Goodwill.....thank goodness because I have had "withdraw" for month's now.....teeeheee

  

 

A Quick post from last weeks updates.....

Radiation wasn't as bad as the third week, the third week was my roughest......thank goodness week four slowed down as time went on.....I saw the doctor on Friday and good news again.....my fifth week (this week)  of radiation will be in easier....as the tumor has shrunk  and radiation won't be as "high".....YAYYYYYY!!!  

On a sour note.... I might have a "gitty up" with Mexico for the week-end of my birthday....I will find out tomorrow when I speak to the other doctor who handles my chemo.....here's hoping things work in my favor....I REALLY wanna go........

I did realize this AM as I was getting ready for work that I can no longer just "slid" in and out of my vanity chair......my legs are to "thick" LOL.....I can really see the weight going back on and the doctor even told me I look soooo much better!  He is 99.9% sure I'm going to be just fine and that I was doing awesome in therapy and they were going to miss me....Awwww...I'm hoping to get some pictures the last week of the team I had for radiation therapy....I couldn't of picked better doctors myself.....I feel so blessed....

Oh and I found out you get a "graduation" certificate after completing all your radiation....OMG...I saw a lady's certificate who finished last Friday (lucky her) and it's kind cool....I have decided to "bling" mine out and frame it for my office at home.....this has bee my BIGGEST personal challenge I have ever had to overcome and I am proud of myself for how I handled this whole thing......I truly have come through with flying colors....not that it's over but a good portion of the hardest will be over SOON and this past week-end I felt more myself than I have in over a year....it was AWESOME and we were able to get so much done around the house.......which thrills me to pieces.....you all know how I feel about my house.....well that is the summed up version.....happy...happy....happy!!!!

Sometimes.....

"I think my bladder is full enough today".....but I'm not sure because I had to do a "urinalysis" before I came...so I had to pound my water right after that because I knew "you" (therapist) would yell at me for not having a full bladder for radiation.....she smiled and rubbed my arm....I wouldn't yell at you.....but it's for your own good.....I know I know...I'm trying....it's always something everyday anymore and I cannot seem to keep track of everything I'm suppose to do or not do.....UGHHHH

SOMETIMES my bladder is full.....and sometimes it's not....SOMETIMES I take my shoes off for radiation..... and sometimes I don't..... SOMETIMES Sally falls off my back while on the table.....and sometimes she doesn't.....SOMETIMES I doze during radiation.....and sometimes not.....SOMETIMES I can hear them come in to adjust the table .....and sometimes I don't.....SOMETIMES the therapist trips over my shoes....and sometimes she doesn't.....SOMETIMES there is music.....and sometimes not.....but ALWAYS there are three beams of radiation that attack vester five days a week.....and I ALWAYS visualize the destruction as they beam me up......and I am ALWAYS  thankful for everyone in my life before my session is done.....a total of 19 treatments under my belt with 8 more to go.....and still.....I can't say it enough..... I GOT THIS.....NO WORRIES!!!!!

Well week three under my belt per say....ha.....

The other day driving to radiation (seems that's all I do anymore) I realized there are things I keep forgetting to blog....so here is another one of my famous "blah's"

Have you ever tried Glad "press n seal"?  Well.....this is the product they told me to use when I have "Sally" hooked up to cover the port area to keep it dry in the shower.....have you ever tried wrapping yourself in Glad wrap and keeping it on when it's wet.......hummmm well lets just say....it can be very challenging......what a job everyday.....seems I have many of them anymore......

Oh and wanna chat about the syringe of lidocaine they prescribed for the burning.....now that was an education......how was this to be applied?....seriously.....Dave said...."what the hell are you suppose to do with that shove that up your ass?"  OMG.....NOOOO dignity left in any area of my life......

And the conversation at the dinner table with the kids was about "EVERYTHING" being on fire...my taint Heather...my taint.....people ask questions and have no idea all the little shit that goes along with this......

"Taf" is everything okay in there?.....(I'm in the dressing room at radiation) ahhhh.... yea....I got it..... my jeans got stuck around my calf's and I couldn't get them off.....guess I'm putting on weight.......ha....as I'm picking myself up off the dressing room.....

Oh my god....Oh my god.....my ass doesn't fall into the toilet anymore like a little kid...my ass is growing....woooohoooo.......

"Dave"...."DAVE"....you are caught up in Sally's cord....you pulling my port....." DAVEEE" seriously wake up and get untangled for Christ sake....your killing me here......what a life experience this has been......

Lets not forgot about the little old lady I see at radiation waiting for her husband......there is ALWAYS a puzzle on the table in the waiting room....and without fail.....this little old lady is working on the puzzle...and literally shoving and pounding pieces in that do not go together...I just chuckle to myself....she doesn't wear glasses.....maybe she needs them?  My OCD kicks in and I tell myself patience...patience...when she leaves you can fix it.....Ha.....okay...enough "Blah" for today....

Heading into week 4 of therapy and so looking forward to the "down slide"......radiation has been catching up with me slowly....I have tried to ignore it...until Friday.....reality is.....I'm having side effects for about 12 hours after radiation......the next day I'm fine when I get up until I head back to therapy......I will admit it's a struggle in my mind to go to radiation knowing it's going to create pain an hour after treatment.....but I know I have to do this... it's taken ALOT of what I have inside to keep this commitment let me tell you......I DO NOT like having all my "junk" on fire......inside and out......soooo uncomfortable.......just sucks.....bottom line....and I'm totally irritated and moody......UGGHHH.....

I do not have any awesome pictures this week....I really spent every afternoon in bed "whining".....  with only 13 more treatment day's left.....I know I GOT THIS......but boy I can see I need to "dig deep" now.....so if I'm a bit "sparse" my communication you will know why....I could not of done this without all the support I have ALL around me......I am blessed and I am very thankful....believe you me I have ALOT of time to think about this......here's to week 4......hurray...hurray.....VESTER you are not welcome here and it's time you are eliminated for GOOD...I can't even say it's been nice knowing you....just go away and NEVER come back.......see YA!

A bit behind in my blogging I know...I know.....only because I have so much energy back and I'm trying to play catch up with everything around me......UGH!!!  Rest rest.....I know I know....but my energy is high......I do rest a bit here and there.....Okay enough of that...I know you ALL have been waiting for those AWESOME hospital gown and high heel shoe pics.....teeeheeee

My first week of chemo/radiation ended without an issue.....woooohooo...was very happy to see Sally go back in the drawer for the week-end.....I know she is helping me....but damn it's a bit tough on the port when you forget you are attached and you walk away it pulls like a son-of-a-bitch....she almost landed in the toilet once....but only once.....ha

  My first week of  chemo/radiation I had the blood transfusion (Thursday)....I had to wear these lovely bracelets for a few days until the transfusion was done.......

Just a slight issue with the "benadryl" but nothing major....my body just doesn't like med's....period.....I was very entertained by my "German" nurse.....who had to start a transfusion for the lady across from me who only spoke Spanish......hearing the German women with her accent say "punta" over and over I about died......"punta" is slang and can mean many things, however I didn't know this until I went home and googled it.....she was referring to "pinch" and I thought she was calling her a "pussy"  OMG.....now remember I am doped up and my mind just gets out of control often....that damn ADD......I did chuckle a number of times......geeezzz

Then comes the second week of chemo/radiation.....here's where the pictures come in......teeeheee as I arrived for radiation Monday....I said to my two therapist....can you please do me a favor and take a picture of me in this beautiful gown with my shoes......they said "really".....I said yup....I'm blogging my story......they both turned around and said we think that is GREAT....we love to see you come in....your like a breath of fresh air.....ha....imagine that.....me.....anyway......they both thought I should be creative and said "pose like you are really getting on the table.....even if it's just the "bladder checking table".....okay...okay....so here they are....

  

Tuesday......Sally is back and another round of Iron......I was in and out without an issue and my blood count was good....thank goodness...I didn't want another transfusion....my energy level continues to improve everyday.....poor poor Dave.....his "honey do" lists seem to grow.....Thursday a quick visit with my doctor......well.....NOT....patiently waiting.....

I had a TON of question....one of which was "can I go to "Mexico" during my month off.....YES....YES....YES he said.....wooohooo okay now for the "serious" questions......now that I'm happy.....let me sum it up........will I need another transfusion?.....doc....I hope not.......when is my last day of chemo/radiation?....doc....May 6th....wooohoo my birthday...what a gift.......Is it normal to feel just pressure now and no more "fire in the hole"?.....doc....yes......that means the radiation is working......how long will I be down for surgery?.....doc....I don't want to speak for the surgeon...but you better plan for 3-5 days in the hospital.....2 weeks bed rest at home.....1 week home resting....then you can go back to work......Oh boy....thank god for the "go fund me account"

Sally came off on Saturday AM.......bah bye Sally.....happy dance...

Needless to say my second week of therapy went well....I have notice about one hour after radiation I need to rest a bit.....then as time went on toward the end of the week.....that was not so.....I was fine......I take it day to day....they have tried some different meds for my stomach but most constipate me and I can't have that.......the pressure is enough to drive me crazy.....they did try a medicated suppository.....OMG.....that lasted about 2 minutes......back to the bathroom and felt like a torpedo hit that porcelain bowl.......so I was done with that......not taking anything still but my naproxen.....so I would say I'm doing GREAT....headed into week three of therapy and counting......my color is SOOO much better and I feel GREAT......I count my blessings probably on the hour......thank you ALL once again......

 

  

 

I'm getting lost in my own world.....this crazy medical challenge is already sucking me dry and I'm just drained......BUT.....this one tough broad will continue to put one foot in front of the other every morning regardless.....a girl's gotta pee ya know...LOL...

Last week was the "dry run" and remapping for radiation...this was not pleasant.....lets just say when I'm on the table not only is my ass hiked up in the air...now I'm adjusted like a crooked S.....and this kills my lower back....everyday for 15 minutes.....and they have a special "O" ring to cushion my port....that is not pleasant either......Oh....the jist of it....I HATE radiation everyday.....but I go in saying "its a joyous day and I'm so happy to be here" they just laugh at me.... I'm sure they are all thinking here comes that crazy lady with her heels and our hospital gown...what a fashion statement....pictures to follow next week!  Ha

On my "off" days....they find my casual attire much different.....check out the "china women" look!

My week-end sucked....was sick on Saturday did mange to get my nails done.....doggie sat for Heather and Jake Saturday night.....rested on Sunday....I'm sure my nervous and anxiety where in full swing for chemo and radiation on Monday...... not much to desire these days....far cry from the "Taf" everyone is used to blowing through the door 150 miles an hour clanging around with all her bling.....and her ugly purse.....soon...I promise...soon

Monday.....Oh boy....radiation first.......I count the beams they are shooting in my ass ....in my head I yell "fire in the hole"....I can't really yell it out loud because my chin is resting on a cushion and I'm not allowed to move one bit.....and some of the ladies that work there are like Nurse Ratchet!  LOL I know soon I will slip up as I get to know them better....teeehheee

Then we were off to Chemo....Oh lord....once again a bit of a gitty up.....

 I'm not sure I can even remember all of it....I wasn't happy and either was Dave.....we had an appointment at 1:30 and we were still in the waiting room at 2:15......you won't believe it...another insurance issue.....not anything I needed to worry about...but they had to "verify" I have met my deductible again and out of pocket....shit really...couldn't of you done this before I came.....the receptionist said will "Rachel" checked in February.....seriously.....it's almost April....good help is so hard to find....finally in the "Chemo" chair.....baby Taf calm down I said to myself....."she is going to poke your port and that's all there is to it".....seriously I'm like a little girl....blat ass.....but first we have to check your blood.....Noooo your kidding right.....she comes back a few minutes later.....and says quietly...."are you bleeding anywhere?".......I said ....."excuse me" as I'm looking myself over......she asked again....."are you bleeding anywhere"....I leaned in and said....yeah out my ass....it's like having a period out your ass......not sure she was thrilled with my response....but I didn't give a shit....she said....I cannot treat you until I consult with the doctor......you are severely anemic....I said...well he knew that......wait AGAIN......she comes back.....you need an Iron Injecterfer and a blood transfusion....the Injecterfer can be done today, but the blood transfusion will need to be done at the hospital in outpatient care....OMG are you kidding me right now.....what the fuck.....seriously I just want this fucking over with.....she said I don't even know how you are walking around....are you dizzy or blacking out.....ahhhh yea, but I manage it.....she just looked at me....I said...this has been going on since last May......she raised her eyebrows....wow......yea....long period.....ha

Needless to say we were home at 5:30.....so much for our 30-45 minute visit for "pump" hook up....

To wrap up the past few days.....I have been to Chemo and Radiation twice.....it appears after radiation it whips my ass for about 4 hours or so.....the phrase "my ass is on fire" is totally different now......I will need to think of a phrase for what it feels like now because I'm not sure how to explain it yet, but no worries I will......I have named my "pump" Sally....she is my friend and goes everywhere with me and knows everything.......but I look forward to our departure on Friday for a week-end break.....she does get annoying.....now I feel like I have an extra hemorrhoid up my ass....Sally suck up.....well here's to hump day of my first week of therapy....yes I'm counting....so glad I have made it this far......Whewie!

 

I had to blog this today as I found it so fitting after the last few weeks and so much goes on day to day I couldn't blog everything if I tried.....I was getting ready for work this AM and Dave was having coffee in bed and we were just chatting and this is how the conversation went.....Me.....damn I hope I can get these jeans on one more time......as I'm trying to "walk into them" and pull them up at the same time......Dave....wow....look at your mama (he is talking to Morris) jumping around..yanking her pants trying to get them up......I said...well there really not tight, just in the thighs......ha.....Dave (this is the funny part)....I don't know how you women do it.....all this stuff you go through....and worry about....and men starring  and wanting to "touch" you....(now this is where Dave's mind wonders from my total efforts of getting ready for work to all the poking and touching I have had lately....because if you know me well I hate to be touched) I will try to repeat as close as I can Dave's words because it was so good and right on point.....

Go here...go there.....turn right.....hold your bladder....empty your bowels.....take your prep.....turn over....hold your breath...breath....lay still.....are you pregnant.....right arm please.....drink this.....arms up......we are done.....go here....turn left.....check in.....sign here.....$250.00 please.....on and on and on....we laughed....I said...RIGHT!  Love that man!

Here is a women who hasn't needed to see a doctor in many years and now finds herself in more doctor's offices than she can keep up with, not to mention ALL the different procedures!

That "said" as you all probably know I went on Monday to have the "simulation" or "mapping" done for radiation.....well let me just say....it was TOTALLY painless but a "bit" challenging.....recently I have been asked the question as to why now am I able to eat and I haven't even started radiation or chemotherapy?  Well....to get down to the gritty here.....having "simulation" is a prime example of one of many issues related to having "rectal cancer".....A..... come with your "bowels" empty.....B..... come with a FULL bladder!  Ahhhh Okay.....hummm....well my bowels "were" empty when I arrived....and my bladder was full....however.....I was doing the pee pee dance.....okay....then Pee and we will start over.....seriously.....YUP....Okay....well I'm okay with that, however you might want to have this conversation with my "bowels" as they totally have a mind of there own these days.....when I ingest anything.....including liquid.....I will need to "move my bowels" which will release my Pee.....so you will need to catch me with a full bladder ASAP once it hits the bladder......Okay....we have a handheld bladder monitor....we can do this....well....we did.....Whewie......the deal is this......so to sum up "my eating" ...the long and short of it....common sense, if you have something blocking your bowel and not being able to "PooP"......you are going to get backed up.....and in time you will have a combination of diarrhea and constipation....because of the blockage......I had issues back in May.....I have been "blocked up" that long which made me very sick and in extreme pain......I couldn't eat anymore because of how much pain I was in and certain foods made it worse because of all the pressure....example  bread......so if you remember I kept changing my diet thinking I had an allergy.....I was on a totally no sugar no carb diet....anyone would lose weight.....once they started doing test and found no allergy and found what was blocking me from having "normal" bowel movements.....they put me on miralax to help my bowel pass and a soft food diet....very little breads...no fresh veggies...etc....certain foods cause ALOT of bleeding and there is nothing like having a "period" out your ass......sorry but it's the way it is.....so...yes I can eat now with comfort.....and if I choose a bad food for me.....I bleed.....but no pain.....obviously bleeding is  not what they want going on as I'm already anemic because of this whole damn thing...OKAY....back to the story.....you can't imagine the things that go through my head with these different visits......you just never know who is going to do what to you or what they are going to do....with that being said lightly......I have never had to "groom" myself so much in my life nor worry about what might "ex-spell" from my ass......on the table....ass wedged in the air....nothing on from the waste down.....a small towel draped over my butt...now lay still.....remember the full bladder....holy shit balls....all's I kept saying to myself is.....don't pee yourself....and don't shit on this women......as she was doing the "marking"......seriously....I have NO dignity left.....see pic below, there are four marks, the one on the right hip is on top and another one on the left hip.

Tuesday....St. Patty's day......I'm headed out to gather monies for shirts and to say hi to a few people on St. Patty's day....when I get the call.......another test...cancel chemo .....AGAIN.....OMG reallyyy....

I couldn't believe it.....is VESTER ever going to get terminated......not to mention my 20% of this "test".....I was beyond frustrated once again....this test was ordered in the beginning however the biopsy wasn't back yet and they denied it......now they are requesting the test be done again, and yes it's approved.....scheduled for Thursday this week....Oh goody.....I can't wait......lord....when will I start therapy.....

On a more serious note that touched my heart....my son Andrew started a "gofundme" account.....the little story he wrote was so sweet....all his own words.......see link below....

Arizona Chic A Latte 

If you don't know Andrew as I do....it would be hard for one to understand how much this means to me......we all have struggled and still do with the death of Sam.....Andrew may have some deeper wounds.....and I couldn't possible tell him enough how this touched me emotionally.....knowing some of his challenges day to day! 

Okay....I'm going to do what I call a "blah" story....this was a conversation with a truly good friend......that has been there through thick and thin.....ready....don't pee yourself....

How are you doing?  Oh....good....I'm at the legion to see Kathy and George and to get there T-shirt monies....Oh....what is going on with another test and no chemo now.....shit fire....I don't know....this test was overlooked once it was denied in the beginning...so now they are re-scheduling it for next Thursday.....wow....right...I know....well how are you doing.....I see you are eating more and gaining weight....YUP....but I have to watch what I eat....having a glass of wine was not one of my better ideas the other night.....really...why....well...to be blunt.....it set my ass on fire......oh my god.....yup.....nothing like feeling like someone has shoved a lite barbecue lighter up your ass.... fire in the hole....fire in the hole....she about died laughing....then the conversation kinda spun from there.....seriously....I don't need anything else up my ass....this pressure is killing me....my ass is always on fire....people ask me...."how are you doing?" and All's I want to say is my ass is on fire.....and I want to go home and lay back down because Vester is being a pain in my ass....literally.....and I'm really tired of the whole ass on fire thing and worrying about what might come out when I'm doing all these different procedures and all they want to do is shove more shit up my already blocked ass.....which causes more bleeding.....they do not make a tampon for periods out your ass for Christ sake.....that's "how I'm doing"......OMG...we were dying laughing.....I said people have no idea all the issues that come with this kinda of cancer......holy shit......so there you have it....all the skinny this week......